“We are told to love others as we love ourselves.”
— Ancient Proverb

Throughout history, this simple advice has reverberated in countless spiritual texts, philosophical treatises, and teachings of sages. Whether we find it in the Bible, the teachings of the Buddha, the Quran, or the musings of Socratic philosophers, this principle forms a common thread binding together the world’s greatest moral and ethical systems. Love, we are reminded again and again, is the supreme virtue—one that has the power to heal, unite, and transform.

Yet despite its endless repetition, most people find this principle exceptionally difficult to put into practice. We make resolutions to treat others with kindness and strive to be patient, compassionate, and understanding. Still, in moments of conflict or stress, we frequently fall short: irritation simmers, criticism bursts forth, grudges cling fast, and unconditional love seems, at times, unreachable. Why, then, is it so hard to genuinely love others? What stands in the way of living out this universal teaching?

Perhaps the true obstacle is not “out there,” but deep within ourselves.

Consider the moments when we feel a lack of patience with a colleague, jealousy toward a friend, or frustration with a family member. Often, our lack of compassion for others mirrors our lack of compassion for ourselves.

Pause, and reflect: When was the last time you found yourself irritated with someone close to you? What internal dialogue accompanied your frustration? Were your thoughts understanding, or were they harsh and critical? More often than not, the way we judge others reveals the way we judge ourselves.

It is tempting to believe that our struggles with others stem solely from their flaws, habits, or personalities. In reality, the love (or lack thereof) that we extend is often an exact reflection of the love we offer ourselves.

Herein lies a profound yet overlooked revelation: We do, in fact, already love others as we love ourselves. The problem is that our self-love, for many, is conditional, hesitant, and frequently lacking in real kindness.

One of the great misconceptions of self-love is that it is inherently selfish, vain, or narcissistic. Everywhere we turn, from social conditioning to certain religious traditions, the message seems to be that “putting yourself first” is selfish, and that “self-sacrifice” is the highest moral good.

But genuine self-love is radically different from narcissism or egotism. In fact, true self-love is the very opposite: instead of revolving endlessly around your own needs and desires, it is an attitude of gentle compassion—a willingness to see yourself with clear eyes, embrace your flaws, acknowledge your growth, and hold space for your own humanity.

To love oneself is not to elevate oneself above others, but to recognize, accept, and honor the full scope of one’s own being—the beauty and the brokenness, the strengths and the weaknesses, the hopes and the failings.

Self-love is often misunderstood. It is not arrogance, nor self-indulgence, nor a relentless pursuit of happiness without regard to others. It is a steady, ongoing practice of tender acceptance.

• Self-love means treating ourselves with the same kindness, patience, and understanding that we hope to give to those we care about.
• Self-love asks us to befriend our inner critic rather than letting it govern our sense of worth.
• Self-love invites us to examine our thoughts and beliefs, question the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, and cultivate a spirit of inner gentleness.

Without self-love, all our attempts to love others are colored by insecurity, resentment, and projection. Any “love” we give is tentative, laden with expectation and fear.

Our internal state—how we speak to ourselves, how we view our own worth—invariably determines how we approach the people in our lives. When we are overly harsh with ourselves, it becomes impossible to extend authentic, nurturing compassion to those around us. When we judge ourselves relentlessly, we become hypersensitive to the faults of others.

What does this look like in everyday life?

• A parent who fears making mistakes may judge their child’s errors too harshly, mirroring anxiety about their own imperfections.
• A professional plagued by self-doubt may envy or criticize colleagues, unable to celebrate their successes.
• A friend who cannot forgive their own past is less able to forgive others, clinging tightly to perceived slights.

Conversely, those who cultivate genuine self-love are more likely to:

• Forgive others easily, because they forgive themselves.
• Celebrate others’ achievements, because they’re not threatened by their own perceived inadequacies.
• Offer support and empathy, having learned to navigate the depths of their own pain and vulnerability.

Psychologist Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, notes that self-compassionate people are “less likely to be critical of others, more likely to be forgiving, and more likely to see the common humanity in everyone.” By treating ourselves with care, we unlock a deeper well of compassion for all.

Across the world’s spiritual and philosophical traditions, we find that the call to love others is always intertwined with a call to inner wholeness.

• Christianity: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31)
• Buddhism: The Buddha taught metta, or loving-kindness, which must first be cultivated towards oneself before it naturally radiates outward.
• Judaism: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18), directly linking self-regard and the treatment of others.
• Islam: “None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.” (Hadith)
• Confucianism: Empathy and reciprocity—shu—form the heart of human relationships.

These traditions do not advocate for egoism; they embrace the understanding that compassion for others flows from a wellspring of self-acceptance. When self-love is neglected, love for others is diluted—fragile and reactive, dependent on circumstances.

Why, then, do so many of us struggle to love ourselves? Why is self-acceptance such a rare and precious gift?

Several pervasive obstacles stand in the way:

1. Inner Critic and Limiting Beliefs

Most of us carry an inner critic, a voice that whispers (or shouts) messages of inadequacy, shame, and judgment. These beliefs are often rooted in childhood experiences—critical parents, teachers, or peers; societal pressures; moments of failure or rejection.

This voice says:

• “You’re not good enough.”
• “You don’t deserve happiness.”
• “Others are better than you.”

The inner critic keeps us trapped in a cycle of self-judgment and comparison, making self-love feel impossible.

2. Cultural and Social Conditioning

Society often propels a narrative that our worth is tied to achievement, appearance, approval, or productivity. Media, advertising, and social institutions condition us to strive for unattainable standards.

This creates an endless chase: “Once I’m successful/attractive/approved, I’ll love myself.” But true self-love is unconditional; it is not earned or granted by external validation.

3. Reluctance to Appear Selfish

Many people fear that practicing self-love will be seen as selfish or arrogant. They worry about being judged or misunderstood, and so they suppress their own needs, believing that “putting others first” is always noble.

But endless self-sacrifice leads to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. Genuine self-love is the foundation of true generosity; it allows us to give without depleting ourselves.

4. Trauma and Learned Helplessness

For those who have endured trauma, chronic criticism, or neglect, the very idea of self-love may feel foreign or unattainable. Past experiences shape beliefs about worthiness, trust, and belonging. Healing these wounds often requires time, support, and compassionate practice.

Self-love is not a destination, but rather a way of being—a continuous process of returning, again and again, to compassion for oneself.

Below, you will find practical steps and practices to cultivate self-love in daily life:

1. Self-Awareness: Recognizing the Inner Dialogue

The first step in cultivating self-love is to notice your inner voice. Are your thoughts gentle or harsh? Do you criticize or encourage yourself when you make mistakes?

Practice:

• Journaling: Set aside 5–10 minutes each day to write down your thoughts and feelings. Notice the tone of your inner dialogue.
• Mindfulness: When you feel upset or anxious, pause and observe your self-talk. Is it compassionate or critical?
• Self-Reflection: At day’s end, ask yourself: “How did I treat myself today?”

2. Self-Compassion: Speaking to Yourself Kindly

When you notice your inner critic, experiment with responding as you would to a dear friend.

Examples:

• Instead of “I always mess up,” try “I made a mistake, but I’m learning.”
• Instead of “I’m not good enough,” try “I am enough, just as I am today.”

You can even place your hand on your heart, take a deep breath, and silently repeat: “May I be kind to myself in this moment.”

3. Embracing Vulnerability

Genuine self-love flourishes when we embrace our vulnerabilities. Allow yourself to feel hurt, uncertainty, and disappointment—with tenderness.

Author Brené Brown writes, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” By refusing to judge our humanness, we make it possible to accept the humanness of others.

Practice:

• Share your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist, or journal.
• Allow yourself to grieve, celebrate, succeed, and fail.

4. Letting Go of Perfectionism

Perfection is an illusion that suffocates growth and strangles connection. The pursuit of flawlessness leads only to stress and disappointment.

Push back against perfectionism by embracing “good enough.” Recognize that mistakes are not a sign of failure, but an invitation to grow.

Practice:

• Praise your efforts, not just your outcomes.
• Celebrate achievements—big or small.
• Give yourself permission to rest and recharge.

5. Setting Healthy Boundaries

Self-love means honoring your own needs. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Setting boundaries is an act of respect for yourself and others. It means saying “no” when something does not serve you, and “yes” to what nourishes your well-being.

Practice:

• Identify your limits and communicate them clearly.
• Prioritize self-care: sleep, nourishment, movement, time for creativity.
• Remember: Boundaries are not walls; they are the fences that allow love to flourish.

6. Surrounding Yourself with Positivity

The people, environments, and influences around us shape our inner world. Choose relationships and activities that uplift, encourage, and support your growth.

• Spend time with people who accept you for who you are.
• Seek out mentors, books, music, and spaces that inspire joyful self-acceptance.
• Limit exposure to negative media and unkind company.

7. Building a Practice of Gratitude

Gratitude shifts our focus from what we lack to the abundance and beauty that already exists.

Cultivating gratitude for ourselves—our bodies, minds, strengths, and journeys—builds resilience and self-regard.

Practice:

• Each day, write down three things you appreciate about yourself.
• Notice the small victories.
• Thank yourself for the ways you show up in life.

8. Forgiving Yourself

Carry no burden heavier than the weight of self-blame. Recognize that all humans err, stumble, and fall short. To hold onto guilt is to chain yourself to the past.

Practice:

• Apologize and make amends where needed, then let go.
• Speak the words: “I forgive myself. I choose to begin again.”
• Allow yourself to learn and move forward with wisdom.

As you deepen in self-love, you’ll notice subtle, transformative shifts in your relationships:

• Less Judgment: When you stop judging yourself, you stop judging others. Criticism gives way to curiosity and understanding.
• More Empathy: Having befriended your own pain and complexity, you become adept at meeting others’ struggles with gentleness.
• Authenticity: When you love yourself, you stop performing or pretending. You show up as you are, inviting others to do the same.
• Stronger Boundaries: You no longer accept mistreatment, nor do you mistreat others. Healthy boundaries make real intimacy possible.
• Deeper Love: Your love becomes unconditional—not based on what others can “do for you,” but an authentic energy that uplifts and heals.

This is how the cycle perpetuates: love of self begets love for others, which returns as love to self. When self-acceptance is your foundation, every relationship blooms in a more fertile soil.

Some worry that self-love will devolve into self-absorption, undermining altruism and social morality. In fact, research suggests the opposite. Those with healthy self-esteem and self-compassion are more likely to:

• Help others without resentment.
• Give generously without expectation.
• Persevere through setbacks, modeling resilience for those around them.
• Collaborate rather than compete.

Psychologist Martin Seligman, in his work on positive psychology, found that people who love and accept themselves are more prosocial, empathetic, and able to form meaningful connections.

To further illustrate, consider these examples:

The Compassionate Teacher:
A teacher who practices self-love is likely to approach students’ mistakes with patience and understanding. Instead of berating themselves for a lesson that doesn’t go well, they use it as an opportunity to grow. This attitude, in turn, creates a safer and more encouraging classroom where students are not afraid to try, fail, and learn.

The Healing Parent:
Parents who forgive themselves for imperfections teach their children the value of self-acceptance and resilience. They model how to handle disappointment with grace and how to celebrate strengths without arrogance.

The Supportive Friend:
A friend with a healthy relationship to themselves can offer true support—not from a place of obligation, but genuine joy for another’s happiness. They do not compare, undermine, or envy; their love is free.

No one reaches self-love perfectly and finally. Life will continue to present challenges, setbacks, and opportunities for growth. Each time you fall back into old patterns of self-criticism or doubt, see it as an invitation—not to despair, but to return to kindness.

Self-love is a practice, not a destination. Each day, each moment, is a new chance to offer yourself the compassion you wish to share with others.

Practical Exercise: The Circle of Love

Try this meditation when you feel disconnected from yourself or others:

1. Sit quietly, close your eyes, and place a hand over your heart.
2. Inhale deeply, imagining love and warmth filling your chest.
3. Silently repeat, “May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be free from suffering.”
4. Picture a loved one. With each exhale, send them the same wish: “May they be happy. May they be healthy. May they be free from suffering.”
5. Broaden your focus to include acquaintances, strangers, and even those you find difficult.
6. Return the focus to yourself. Notice how the love you give and the love you receive are intimately connected.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
— Buddha

It is not only possible, but essential, to love ourselves deeply. Far from turning us inward in selfishness, doing so activates the very qualities—compassion, patience, empathy—that allow us to truly and sustainably love others.

The journey begins with you. Each act of self-kindness ripples outward, changing your inner landscape and, in time, transforming your world. The root of love is not separate from the love we give, but its very source.

To love others well, love yourself first. In doing so, you unlock a love that is boundless, healing, and real.

“We are told to love others as we love ourselves.” May you take these words as an invitation—to begin within, and let love radiate outward.

By Dr. Harry Henshaw
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